I went back to work on Tuesday. It's a little strange writing about things knowing that people I work with may read them, but I want to be transparent and document things as I've experienced them.
I was a little nervous going back the first day. When I pulled into the parking lot and got out of the car, I wondered if I had made a mistake by coming back so soon after the funeral. Whether this is rooted in reality or not I don't know, but it did feel a little like people weren't sure how to act or what to say the first day. This was not unexpected though. I know I would have been in the same situation had the roles been reversed. To alleviate this, I've tried to talk openly about Abram and some of the practical things we're dealing with, such as designing a grave marker. I've expressed that I am happy to talk about it and answer any questions.
A coworker gave me a copy of something her mother had made with encouraging Bible verses and an uplifting word about God sustaining us through trials. This was special and sweet, and it moves me to think about it. Her mother passed away a few months back.
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So far there has been only one truly uncomfortable moment, and it was caused by a totally innocent person. It was during a conference call with a vendor concerning a project we've had going on for a while now. There are four of us in our office, so we usually just have the conference calls on speakerphone. One of the vendor's employees noticed my name as a participant on the meeting software. "Is David back?" she asked. "Yeah, I'm here," I said. "Congratulations! So is it a boy or a girl?" she asked with excitement. She had obviously known about the nature of my absence without being given the full rundown of the situation. This is no fault of hers or anyone else's, but it did create a momentary crisis for me. I was completely caught off guard. In a split second I had to process all the factors.
...okay, she probably won't ever ask about the baby again, and neither will anyone else on this call from the vendor's office. Also, there are a bunch of people on the call, and it would probably be even more uncomfortable for everyone, especially her, if I tell her that the baby died. Oh wait, the day before we went to the hospital, I did tell whatshisname (who is also on the conference call) about the possibility of Abram not surviving, so he may ask me how it went on one of our working session calls, but that will be less awkward because it will just be us two. Everyone from my company should know or will eventually find out, probably in a less awkward way. Okay, I know how to respond...
"Thank you so much! A boy... It's good to be back!"
I don't know if I responded appropriately, but it seemed the most gracious in the moment. One thing I know, it really is good to be back.